As Mother’s Day quickly approaches I find myself with a heavy heart.

I failed again and again this week, as a mother. My daughter, who usually sleeps REALLY well, gave us a couple fairly sleepless nights. And naps, which in my mind should’ve been great because of that(I mean, makes sense, right?), were almost nonexistent. And I did not handle this lack of sleep well. I got angry. I had a couple meltdowns. I was almost physically sick from exhaustion. I didn’t meet all my deadlines. I left some people hanging. I didn’t cook great meals for my family. I punched a door frame. I neglected my work. I didn’t bathe my daughter for over a week.

Actually, I finally gave her a bath this morning. I ran out of the bathroom for literally one minute to grab something. Came back in to find that she had pooped and scooped her poop out of the tub and thrown it all on the bathroom floor. That is exactly the week I’ve been having. I almost didn’t even bother cleaning it up.

I do not deserve to be celebrated today. I love my daughter more than I ever imagined. But I don’t always love her well, or gracefully, or patiently. I mess things up all the time. I lose my temper more than I’d care to admit. When my plan for the day gets messed up. which happens often, I don’t take it in stride as much as I’d like to say I do. I’m not cool, calm, and collected. I’m frazzled, frantic, and frustrated.

And yet, there are those who would give up everything to be in my shoes. Who long to have a child to sweat, cry, and bleed over. Who would love nothing more than to have sleepless night after sleepless night if it meant having a child of their own. And my heart breaks for the pain and longing.

So, for me, Mother’s Day isn’t about how great of a mom I am. Because I’m so not a great mom. I fall exceedingly short. Mother’s Day is a day for me to be so incredibly thankful for this blessing I have and to not take it for granted.

And all of you out there who aren’t mom’s….whether it’s by choice, or circumstance, or whatever the case may be…you are still worth something. You are still making a difference in the world. God has a tremendous plan for your life, and whether it involves kids someday or not, He’s working something beautiful out for you and through you.

As for you fellow hot mess mamas… Really all I can say is, I’m with ya. Keep doing what you’re doing. It is hard, hard work. But, as they say, someone’s gotta do it! Seriously, though, you are not alone. None of us has it together or knows fully what they’re doing. And I hope you have someone you can be real with about just how hard motherhood is. And it’s ok to admit that it’s hard. I’ve never done anything this hard in my whole life! But this is the calling God has placed on my life and He alone can give me the strength I need to do it.

Whatever season of life you’re in, remember that God is faithful and will give you the strength you need to get through anything that comes your way. Some days it might seem like you barely get by(believe me, I know), but get by you will.

“Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.”  Romans 5:3-5

My daughter turned one on Sunday. She is incredible. She’s smart, and goofy, and adventurous. Her personality has come out so much recently. She’s curious and mischievous and always wondering what’s around the corner.

There’s been a bit of time since I wrote last. Those posts were hard to write and took a lot out of me. And in the aftermath I thought about what I could do to fight against human trafficking and sexual abuse and kidnapping and all those awful things. If I felt it’s what I was supposed to do, I’d move to the red light district in Amsterdam and knock down brothel doors and rescue the helpless girls there. I do not feel that that is what I’m meant to do, at least for now.

But I don’t want to do NOTHING. And I got frustrated because I don’t know what I CAN do.

Then I was watching my daughter explore and delight in the world around her and I thought “that’s what I can do”. What I get to do.

I can nurture this curious, naive mind and soul. I can cultivate in her a joy in the world she lives in and a heart that is full of hope and joy and beauty.

And, yes, teach her to be cautious and make sure she’s aware of the dangers in this world. I don’t want her to be oblivious to the ugliness that surrounds us but I also don’t want to lock her up in hopes of keeping her safe. That won’t do anyone any good.

Parenting a child is a big responsibility, and at times seems overwhelming. But it is also a great and exciting challenge and the best thing I’ve ever done with my life. So, right now, that is what I can do to make a difference in the world…

So, it’s been awhile since I’ve added anything here. Basically what happened is I got pregnant and during the first trimester I was exhausted ALL THE TIME. I didn’t know it was possible for a person to feel that tired. Because of that exhaustion I was completely unmotivated to do anything. It took  all my effort to wake up and go to work. I also felt slightly depressed. It was the end of a long, cold winter and nothing seemed to get me excited anymore. I felt like a hollowed out version of myself. I couldn’t even get very excited about the new life growing inside me because I was so exhausted.

Then one day I woke up and felt like my old self again. The sky was blue, the grass was green, the sun was shining and I was Kaitlyn again! It was a glorious day. And since then things have been much better. I’m now heading towards the end of the second trimester and am fully in the “sweet spot” of pregnancy.

Being pregnant has been a huge roller coaster for me. It’s absolutely one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. God has used it to grow, challenge, and encourage me.

I’ll get more into some specific challenges I’ve faced but for now that’s all.

It’s good to be back 🙂

I’m ugly and awkward and I always say the wrong things. I fly around throwing away perfectly good marriage proposals. I love our home, but I’m just so fitful and I can’t stand being here! I’m sorry, I’m sorry Marmee. There’s just something really wrong with me. I want to change, but I – I can’t. And I just know I’ll never fit in anywhere.                -Jo March

I’ve always felt a kinship with Jo March from Little Women. Many times I’ve said something very similar to the above quote. It comes in waves really, this feeling of not belonging or not fitting in.

Almost everywhere we look there’s a box to try to fit yourself into. There is much pressure to look a certain way. To be a certain type of woman. To not be a certain type of woman.

It’s exhausting, always trying to get it right.

That’s why I’m starting this blog. For all the misfits, outcasts, wanderers, seekers. For those who can’t or just chose not to fit in.

I decided on We, the Misfits for the title when I thought of the Rudolph movie and the island of misfits toys. The Charlie-in-a-box, the spotted elephant, the choo choo train with square wheels, the bird that swims instead of flying, the cowboy who rides an ostrich and the boat that can’t float. That part of the movie always makes me so sad, all these toys that are flawed and so banished to this lonely island. I always want to swoop in and rescue them and give them a loving home.

Do you know what I think? I think that’s how Jesus feels about us. He sees us being banished, most of the time banishing ourselves, to this island. Believing we don’t deserve to be loved. And he so longs to save us from that lonely island and give us a home where we can be secure in the fact that we are loved and accepted wholly as we are.

And he DOES rescue us. He’s there with a boat that has room for all of us.

Won’t you leave that island? Come away with me and never look back. Leave behind all the lies that you’re not beautiful enough, strong enough, capable enough. That you’re too thin, not thin enough, that you’re lazy, that you’re a mess-up and failure. Come with me and let my perfect love wash over and heal your wounds. Beloved, you are mine and no one has the power to say otherwise.

“Do not let your hearts be troubled. You believe in God; believe also in me. My Father’s house has many rooms; if that were not so, would I have told you that I am going there to prepare a place for you? And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am. You know the way to the place where I am going.” Thomas said to him, “Lord, we don’t know where you are going, so how can we know the way?”Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.                     

  John 14:1-6